Are you wondering why Divas Champion Beth Phoenix smashed squashed through Eve Torres last night? Lords of Pain have a rough idea, though this is just a rumour. We don’t want to spoil you, so this article is under the cut.

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Welcome to Raw is Marcella!

Vickie Guerrero helps Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger to the ring for their match against John Cena and CM Punk.  She excuses them and the WWE Universe! During the match, Vickie keeps excusing everyone and their mother, especially when her men won!

Backstage, Zack Ryder and Eve Torres are talking. Mick Foley walks up to them  and wishes the WOO WOO WOO man luck.  Eve says to Ryder to not go out there against Kane in the Falls Count Anywhere Match. Ryder tells her he has to. John Cena offers help, but is declined because Zack-static Zack Ryder wants his belt back.  His music hits an the Zack Pack wait for their fearless leader.

During the match, Eve Torres makes her way out because Kane is being a bad monster. (Well a good monster, technically!) Eve cries everywhere like a silly when Ryder gets thrown through the stage. Kane stalks Eve thinking she is Trish Stratus or Lita. Cena comes out so Kane makes like a tree and leaves. (That’s for my BFFL, MARC!!! :P) Eve is crying seventy rivers throughout commercial break and when the TV goes back to RAW!

They load Ryder onto the stretcher and he gets a nap and a ride through the backstage area.  As we see the stretcher being carted around,  Beth Phoenix and the Bella Twins are spotted.

Meanwhile, Eve is so MAD and SAD! She tells Cena it is ALL HIS FAULT! She goes into the ambulance to go to the fake hospital.

If Eve wanted to make my day, she would have taken her SHOES off and thrown them at Kane, or better yet her ear ring. It bores me when the girls fake cry like blithering idiots! You know you would be mad that Kane is being bad because he has a HISTORY of being a freaky monster.

Naomi and Cameron calls Brodus Clay’s mother after dancing an hour.

Anyways, that is all for tonight.  I wish Johnny Ace would get real future endeavored rather than FAKE future endeavored. :(

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Welcome to Raw is Marcella!  This will be extremely short. I am writing articles that will be in academic  journals and  I have to wake up for work at 4:30AM for this whole week.  I’m going to be working 6:30AM to 6PM! SO YIKES! I don’t have the time, but I couldn’t let Raw not get ROYALIZED!  So this coverage will be short and sweet, basically to the point! I hope it’s entertaining!

Congratulations to Edge being in WWE HALL OF FAME! Mil Máscaras is also in the Hall of Fame. They said so last year. I wonder if he will be the second name to be said (well restated).

Zack Ryder is on the phone with his dad and Eve Torres walks up so he acts tough. Ryder flirts with Eve and wants a date.  She agrees. Her match against Beth Phoenix will be later. If she wins, she will get a title shot. She goes BYEBYE!

Naomi and Cameron Lynn dance out there with Brodus Clay who is some funky shit. Wonderful. I am scarred for life. Thank you WWE!

The Miz wants Epico and Primo to be his bodyguards. Rosa Mendes yells at him something fierce in Spanish. They run away.

Vickie Guerrero and Dolph Ziggler help Swagger to the ring or he will get lost. He is screaming like a weirdo. Swaggy and Vickie can’t be at ringside at Royal Rumble since Punkie won.

We come back from a sexy and hot break and see The Bella Twins arguing who is an A-List. One of them thinks she is the Stacy Keibler.  Nice mention of a former diva turn socialite.  Ricardo Rodriguez comes up to them and ask why in the blue hell they wanted him to come from Mexico to talk to them. They want to talk about Alberto Del Rio. Ricardo acts like snarky biatch and says they could have used the TELEPHONE! The Miz bothers everyone and tells Ricardo to call out R-truth or face a beating.  Ricardo asks the Bellas to come to the ring with him and they are like “YEAH RIGHT”. They leave the Mexican Pinata to be smacked by R-Truth.

Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, Barry Windham and Tully Blanchard as The Four Horsemen  will be inducted into  the 2012 Hall of Fame. Um, not to sound angry or stupid, but Flair’s already in the HOF. It doesn’t matter that it is now The Four Horsemen. WHEN IS  Mil Máscaras gonna be announced once again???!!!

Eve Torres  comes out for her match. Beth does not come out, instead we get Kane’s music. Zack Ryder comes out to save Eve. They run away to the back and get to this ugly green car. Eve gets into the car and Ryder changes a flat tire for a year.  Eve keeps making stupid scared noises.

We come back from a break to see that Vickie Guerrero has already helped Dolph Ziggler to the ring for his match against Cena.  Bless. Vickie just screams a bit. Cena sees that  Ryder is attacked by Kane.  With Dolph on his back, Cena throws Dolphie around so he can go save Ryder. (By the way, Dolph had the dreaded sleeper on Cena).  Kane spanks Cena and Ryder. No Eve to be seen. Also, Vickie tries to get Dolphy to the ring to avoid a count out. It doesn’t seem to help.

So then, we all lived happily ever after. The END!

SUPERSTARS SPOILERS

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Helloooooooo everyone! It’s great to be here and giving you Raw coverage. I had a bad Christmas Holiday, but I am glad to be alive.  Since I am so happy, I decided to be nice to the unfortunates and give some people awards!

First off, it saddens me to see that Eden Stiles decided to part ways with WWE. Even though she asked for it, I always find it horrible that someone is future endeavored.

With that being said, I announce the winner of the Future Endeavor Award……

It’s JOHNNY ACE  Laurinaitis!  He should be so happy to win a precious award. :)

 Booker T better behave or I will give him the Future Endeavor Award!!!  Poor Cody Rhodes loses which makes me sad.

Kelly Kelly is backstage with Big Show. She is showing him her and the divas Perez Hilton column. A referee tells  Big Show that Laurinaitis needs him. Show doesn’t want to go.  The ref says it is important. Show says it better be important.  K2 goes OOOH YOU’RE IN TROUBLE! Show tells her thank you for the beauty tips and leaves.  K2 giggles everywhere.

Swagger and Ziggler are arguing and Vickie comes up to them. She tells them the important thing is that someone in her stable will be in the WWE title match next week.  Mark Henry EXCUSES THEM!

Eve Torres makes her way out for a mixed tag match. Her partner is Zack Ryder. It goes to commercial break.  We come back to find them wrestling Tyson Kidd and Natalya.  The men start out.

Kidd tags in Nattie and Eve comes in. Eve takes Nattie down. Eve booty pops and hits the standing moonsault for a two count. Nattie slams Eve’s face into the mat.  Nattie kicks Eve and she goes for the Sharpshooter. Eve kicks Nattie off and almost out of the ring. Eve tags in Ryder.

The men wrestle a bit.  Nattie breaks up a pin attempt by Ryder. Eve dropkicks Natalya into the ropes. They fist pumps. They hit the Broski boots on Kidd & Nattie. Ryder hits the Ruff Ryder on Kidd for the win. After the match, Eve and Ryder celebrate. They fist pump, hug, and play with the title.

Del Rio cries about his torn groin. The Bella Twins come out and  argue about who gets to throw a party in Del Rio’s honor when he returns. Del Rio gets mad and tells them to GTFO.

 Vickie helps Jack Swagger to the ring. She screams everywhere, especially when he loses to CM PUNK.  Dolph Ziggler comes flying out.   Vickie holds CM PUNK’s leg while  Swagger distracts the ref.  Bless, Johnny Ace tells Vickie and Swagger to GTFO. Oh no, he distracts Punkie and Dolphy pins Punkie for a title match.

Superstars Spoilers

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Welcome to Raw is Marcella!

Eve Torres helps Booker T out to the stage for the “Tell Me I Did Not See That Moment” Slammy.  The co-presenter Hornswoggle is accompanied by Alicia Fox.

I must say CM Punk and his mannequin were entertaining.

Lita comes out to a medium size pop to present the Divalicious Slammy Award. I guess these fans remember her heel days.  Lita tells everyone she had so many divalicious moments. The nominees are Natalya for her double Sharpshooter on Eve Torres and Alicia Fox, Kelly Kelly for winning the Divas Title, Kharma for attacking Michelle McCool and Beth Phoenix for her top rope Glam Slam on Eve.  KELLY KELLY is declared the winner. Lita and K2 hug and pal around until the Divas of Doom come out. Beth takes the Slammy from K2 and poses with it, but gets slapped in the face. K2 takes back her Slammy, Nattie holds Beth back. Lita raises K2′s arm. The four trashtalk until the Divas of Doom scurry away like rats.

Santino and the Bella Twins come out to present the OMG Moment of the Year. The Twins call him stupid, so he tells them they are floozies who are golddigger for Alberto Del Rio. He basically calls them sad.

Vickie Guerrero helps Dolph Ziggler out to the ring for his fatal fourway match against Daniel Bryan, Cody Rhodes, and Zack Ryder. Vickie does basically nothing. Dolphy wins the match (which makes me mad as I always want Cody to win). Zack Ryder was the first to be trended so he wins a Slammy. Dolphy Zigzag’ed Ryder and stole the Slammy. Vickie shines the Slammy like a weirdo.

Vickie comes out and Goldust comes out with the help of Eve and Alicia. He tells Vickie she won a Slammy because she wears more makeup than him.  She gets pissed. They will be presenting A-Lister of the Year.   The nominees are The Muppets, Snooki, Cee-Lo and Hugh Jackman. Vickie is raging as the winner is Snooki. Snooks isn’t there but she did a pre-recoded message. She thanks everyone and tells her guido Zack Ryder to get that gold. WWYKI!

Kane comes back all sexy and hot and thumps Cena. He should have thumped Mark Henry and Michael Cole. In fact, he should have chased Mr. Johnny Ace around with a lighter. :(

Superstars Spoiler

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To start off, I would like to wish everyone the best in their future endeavors since people do new endeavors every day!

Second, this will be a quickie coverage as I have finals for the next two weeks, my laptop was under attack from a gazillion Trojans thanks to me downloading several files for my projects (it has taken two days to clear it up..so I was studying, working on papers,  fixing this lappy, and watching Raw), I’m very tired from working  a 10 hour day, I’m sure I’m catching  a form of the flu thanks  to the flu shot, and I’m stressed from the impending wisdom teeth extractions. Yeah, Marcella is not HAPPY!

Now that I have bored you and ranted to Geebus, LET’S GET TO RAW!

Cena and Del Rio are playing in the ring so Vickie and Dolph come out. They are excusing Cena and Del Rio. Vickie wants her boytoy to get a title shot. The Miz came and everyone spoke. I wasn’t caring. I thought Vickie looked great so I spoke over them the whole time telling my Uncle how wonderful Vickie is. EXCUSE HER!

Some sexy stuff happened with Orton being bad. He wasn’t bad enough so I was disappointed.

Alicia Fox, Kelly Kelly, and Eve Torres do a wonderful walk to see the wizard.

Well, they weren’t off to see the wizard. They came to the ring to face the Divas of Doom (Beth Phoenix & Natalya). DOD has a weird video that is interrupted by a DUMB video of classroom antics. What do they want?  For whatever it is worth, the match was like three seconds. K2 outsmarts Beth and rolls her up for a victory for her team of herself and Eve. Alicia jumps like a jack in a box. The faces celebrate and the heels cry.

Cena beats  Ryder :(

Oops, Cena gives back his title opportunity so that Ryder could get one more try. The one more try is good! YAYA! Ryder wilface Dolphy!

Vickie comes out of the moron, Johnny Ace’s office. She couldn’t get the Ryder match overturned but she knows that Ziggy’s opponent is Sheamus.  Dolphy yells ” WHAT DO I PAY YOU FOR?!” <— Line of the night as he doesn’t pay her. By the way, Swagger was there if anyone cares.

Dolph  with Vickie loses to Sheamus becuase Ryder distracts Dolphy. He then lays out Dolphy. Vickie is MAD everywhere. BLESS!

CM PUNK was wonderful at the contract signing.

I am a pleased lady. KTHXBAI

Below for Superstars Spoilers!

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