Eve Torres is backstage with The Bella Twins. They are chatting about weather, which is a lovely conversation topic. The Twins ask about Ryder. Eve laughs her lungs out of her. They tell Eve he is a good guy. So she thinks they are telling jokes. Eve tells them that she is not friends with Ryder. She made him think they were friends. She used him to get people talking about her. Eve says he didn’t even get to first base (I didn’t know they played baseball. :P) She calls him a child and says she will do what people do– use each other. Ms. Torres says she has the big fish hooked now and will use Cena. She tells Bellas to film her walking into Cena’s locker room. Bless, she turns around into Cena who has heard everything. OH NO! Cena walks away in disappointment as Eve freaks out.
Cena comes out to the ring, and before he can speak, Eve comes on down. She wants a minute to explain everything since it was taken out of context. Cena says she’s been sipping the skank juice and wants to use her assets to further her career. Eve yells that they are friends. Cena says he lost a very good friend in Zack Ryder because of her being a hoeski. Eve says she was joking with the Bellas. Cena says The Rock and Eve are perfect for each other – they’re both scandalous bitches. Eve falls to the ground crying like a baby.
Cena tries to be a gentleman and help her up. However, HE IS ATTACKED! Yes, he was attacked by Eve with a huge and potential kiss whilst she cries. How scary! Officials come down to save Cena from the attack. He gets away from her and says he like to stay disease free. The officials play with Eve and bring her backstage.
Aksana and Kelly Kelly vs. The Bella Twins
Some time later, we come back from a commerical and we see Aksana and Kelly Kelly in the ring. They will face the Bella Twins. The goodies are in control until the Bellas come back and do a TRICKY to Aksana! Aksana fights back and does a scoop slam. She hits a weird ass elbow drop thing for a bad near fall. Bella hits a move on Aksana and rolls out. The other Bella gets into the ring which brings out Kelly Kelly who is distracting the referee. With this the illegal Bella comes and there’s some good old fashion TWIN MAGIC!
She hits a Bella Buster for the pin on Aksana. The Bella Twins yell losers at the goodies as K2 yells at Bellas and consoles Aksana.
Winners: The Bella Twins
Vickie Guerrero helps Dolph to the ring for the big ass battle royal for #1 contendership of CM Punk’s WWE Title. She looks almost as dashing as Cody Rhodes.
In this match, I felt terrible for combatants since they mostly had bandages (like my husband, Cody Rhodes) and people got hurt. Wade Barrett seems to be injured trying to catch a Dolph (who should have kept his shirt tucked into his panties longer to help with that FLIGHT!). It also looked like Kofi Kingston and Dolph Ziggler had bad falls. Dolph smacked his fat jaw on the announcer table. Kofi kept trying to land on his feet like a cat.
I wish all these people the best of luck in their health because bless that was some scary stuff! Hopefully, no one was injured badly!
Vickie Guerrero helps Dolph to the ring since he would get lost, despite there being a HUGE Elimination Chamber around it.
In the WM 28 promos hyping John Cena, we see that AJ Lee and Tamina Snuka work out in his gym with the FCW boys.
WWE Divas Title Match: Tamina Snuka vs. Beth Phoenix
Out comes Divas Champion forever Beth Phoenix dressed to honor Rowdy Roddy Piper. She wants to irk the snot out of the Warrior Princess. The challenger, Tamina, comes flying out. As the match starts out, Beth demands that Tamina get out of her ring. Tamina does not like that AT ALL! She smack Beth around for fun. Tamina takes down the Divas Champ Forever and continues to assault her. Tamina goes up top for the superfly splash, but Beth knocks her to the floor. Beth works Tamina over now for fun.
Tamina makes it back to the ring at the count of 8. Beth throws her elbows at Tamina and gets a headlock. Beth goes for another submission and tells the referee to check Tamina. Tamina fights like the Warrior Princess she is and hist a huge Samoan Drop. Tamina signals for a Superfly splash. Beth cuts her off and hits a huge superplex on Tamina.
They get up and then trade shots. Beth tries a headbutt but hurts herself. BLESS! Tamina hits a headbutt and then a series of chops. She then splashes Beth in the corner. Tamina hits a superkick and nails the Superfly splash. Through the skin of her teeth, Beth kicks out. Tamina goes for another Superfly splash but Beth rolls out of the ring. Tamina follows Beth and brings Beth back into the ring. Beth throws Tamina into the corner. She locks Tamina into the Glam Slam and that was all she wrote.
Beth pins Tamina to retain the Divas title.
Winner: Beth Phoenix
Hornswoggle is playing with cheese. He asks Natalya to cut the cheese. She babbles that it wasn’t her. She grabs her tummy and farts. She runs away as Hornsy is standing there with cheese. Justin Gabriel comes to play with the cheese, but Vickie Guerrero and Jack Swagger babble. Teddy Long comes in and tells Vickie she is ugly and makes a match between Swaggy and Gabby.
Vickie Guerrero helps Swagger to the ring for his victory where she screams for ten hours.
Welcome to my show, Raw! Well, I really shouldn’t claim something that Johnny Ace “runs”, but nevertheless, I will for fun.
We see and hear a promo telling us the later tonight we will have a Divas Title match up between The Notorious Eve and The Glamazon Beth Phoenix.
Vickie Guerrero leads Dolph Ziggler (on his leash) to the ring. If Vickie doesn’t him to the ring, Dolph will find his old pom poms from his Spirit Squad days and become distracted. We do NOT want that to happen! Thank GOODNESS Vickie is here to GUIDE HIM! By the way, WHAT IS UP WITH HIS JACKET/VAST THING? Who told him he could wear that small dead rodent to the ring? So as he faces the Viper Randy Orton, Vickie shouts and cackles everywhere. Totally random blurb that you really don’t need to know and don’t care to know, I like saying BARRETT BARRAGE! Lisa Jane (LJ) has influenced me too much! :P Orton hits a superplex on the top rope as his snakey baby mating routine in order to get Vickie under his spell. Vickie wasn’t paying attention since she was probably sewing tiny panties together for Dolph to wear next week. Dolphy loses so Vickie is very upset. Back to the drawing board for her!
We see a clip from last night when Kane went apeshit on Ryder and Cena. We see Eve’s best facial impression of that time Layla retired Michelle McCool and Lay was so distraught.
What the Funk? Naomi and Cameron Lynn (in new weaves and attire– attire is still bad) come out and dance with Brodus Clay for lifetime. Brodus Clay annihilates Tyler Rex. The announcers talk about dinosaurs. So then, Naomi and Cameron dance for another seventy years. Thanks for nothing! (That one is for you, MARC!!!!)
KONG OUT ALERT: There’s no sign of Kharma yet. It’s making The Royals VERY MAD!
Line of the Night: R-Truth: Little Jimmy is smiling like a Little Jimmy!
I thought I would never put a line of R-Truth’s in my coverage and say he amused me. He amused me very much tonight. He would have AMUSED me more if he and Little Jimmy threw Cole into a garbage bin. Until that happens, R-TRUTH, YOUR CASE IS DISMISSED!
I wonder when David Otunga will get the picture that HE and HIS MUG are annoying and should GTFO! Thank you for your consideration IN THIS GRAVE MATTER!
The illusive squash match for the Divas Title is UP NEXT!
WWE Divas Title Match: Eve Torres vs. Beth Phoenix
Eve makes her daring entrance looking like she is going cry and ask for her mommy. Then, Beth Phoenix makes her way out. She decides to NOT have her headband match her outfit because she thinks she is that much of a badass. Unfortunately, she finds out that she is NOT a badass. We will get to that another day as that is a horse of a different *ROYAL* color. So anyways, Eve beats Beth into a corner and goes apeshit. The referee admonished her. So, Beth and Eve have a tea party for a hour. However, Eve gets nailed with a clothesline because she didn’t like how Beth baked the crumpets, made the tea, or how Beth was mismatching (rightfully SO!) Beth hits the GLAMSLAM for the win.
Winner: Beth Phoenix
Kane appears on the titantron so Beth MAKES LIKE A TREE AND LEAVES! (That’s for you, Marc!) Kane is babbling to Eve who is NO SELLING the Glam Slam. Kane is trying to be a professor of hate. I wasn’t paying attention since I was SO MAD! (Yes, mad like Daffney). Why was I mad? Well, Eve was cowering like an idiot and plus Beth legged it up the ramp like a weirdo as well. So anyways, Kane appears behind Eve since she’s his newest victim. John Cena makes the save. He goes batshit all over Kane as Eve disappears. Good news is, Eve is alive. Bad news is, the Royals are ANGRY!
Kelly Kelly and Alicia Fox are backstage talking as Johnny is walking. They point and laugh at him. Apparently, they were dressed weird. I can’t say as I missed the entire 1 second thing as I was more interested in grabbing a lemon drop than seeing Johnny Ace walk. Sorry Foxy and Kellz! Better luck next time!
KHARMA MAKES A NO SHOW! This does NOT excited us. We all want to see her “kong” out. With antics like this, WWE doesn’t have HAPPY BUNNIES in the form of the WWE UNIVERSE!
Mark my words, if there’s no Kharma on Smackdown, THERE WILL BE PROBLEMS!
We get a surprise in the form of an 8 diva tag match. Out come the heels all color coordinated in blue. Beth Phoenix (The Divas Champ), Natalya and the Bella Twins do their signature entrances. The faces, Kelly Kelly, Alicia Fox, Eve Torres, and Tamina make their way out there. K2, Foxy, and Eve are wearing orange gear. Tamina must have not gotten the memo of being color coordinated at this event. However, she made up for it by having a wonderful hair style. What was she thinking?
Nattie and Tamina start by slapping each other and stuff. Tamina chops Nattie several times, which made me giggle. She then HEADBUTTS Nattie, which probably made Marc squeal in his dreams. Some stuff happens and Tamina tags in Eve. BOOTY POP EVE DROP occurs! Some more stuff happened and suddenly Nattie gets control. Eve gets backed up in the wrong part of town. Beth gets the tag. Beth and Eve fight tooth and nail for three hours. Eve hits her fancy kick and then does her seated clothesline. I think she thinks she is an airplane. Eve goes for a senton and Beth gets her knees up. Bless!!!!!!! Beth and Eve play for a little bit until Brie Bella tags in. Brie chokes EVE on the ropes for fun. Oh dear, Eve gets kicked in the face. Brie does a fancy chinlock. Eve battles back and tags in Alicia. The Foxy One hits a clothesline and a pair of one legged dropkicks.
Anyways, Alicia stomps on Brie for fun until the referee stops her. THAT IS NOT NICE! During Alicia’s detention, the Bella Twins pull Twin Magic. Nikki gets into the ring into the corner. SNEAKY LITTLE BUGGER! Alicia gets smacked about until Kelly gets the tag. K2 does her head scissors takedown as well as hits her back handspring elbow in the corner. Oops, she hits a bulldog on Nikki. K2 attempts a pin but Brie breaks it up. Nattie and Eve play for a bit. Then all the divas fight outside of the ring. K2 climbs to the top rope and hits a crossbody splash on everyone and their mother. All divas are down! K2 grabs a Bella (don’t know who, don’t care who). I think it was Nikki. Suddenly, Beth smacks the Bella in the back to tag herself in since K2 is all wobbly. Beth tells the Bella to get out of her ring. She hits the GLAMSLAM on K2 for the victory.
Winners: Beth Phoenix, Natalya and The Bella Twins
Beth then PMS all over the place. She sends evils to Nattie. The other Bella tries to celebrate but she sees Beth is MAD! The heels celebrate.
In backstage land, Ryder is throwing angry faces (not mad faces because only Daffney is mad). He is throwing these angry faces at John Laurinaitis. Eve runs up and bitches Johnny Boy out using BIG BAD WORDS! I will break it down for all of you. She basically said Laurinaitis is an IDIOT and a JERK! She (and I) hope he is fired tomorrow night on my show, Raw. Laurinaitis says “that’s gratitude for ya” and walks off. Eve calls him an ass and wheels Ryder into his cage.
Cameron Lynn and Naomi help Brodus Clay out. They dance for a year. Drew McIntyre throws them kisses and gets squashed. The dance trio dance for another year. Thank you for coming!
Vickie Guerrero helps Dolph Ziggler to the ring only to be thrown out by Johnny Ace several minutes later. She throws a fit so she should even though she wasn’t supposed to be out there.
Vickie comes out with Dolph, who returns to the Rumble match since he lost his previous match.
At entrant 21, the world gets a surprise, especially Michael Cole, who is dancing like FOOL. We hear a laugh that we all love. Kharma laughs and makes faces at Cole. She clotheslines Cole. Cole tries to make a like tree and leave (that’s for YOU MARC!) Booker and Lawler pull Cole off the apron to be eliminated. Ziggler tells Kharma to GTFO, so she implant busters him for shits and giggles. Vickie lays in the riot act on Kharma. Kharma starts towards Vickie and she decides discretion is the better part of valor. Thus, she leaves Kharma ALONE! Huncio charges at Kharma, which is a big mistake. He must have taken his dumb pills this morning. Kharma tosses him over the top rope for fun. Ziggy comes from nowhere and dumps Kharma to the floor. She is eliminated. Vickie cackles everywhere.
It was a nice Royal Rumble match. It was definitely not one of the best versions; however, it was enjoyable. The PPV was decent enough to not get many tongue lashings from me. I was happy that the divas match got some air time. I’m definitely looking forward to my show, Raw! ;)
Vickie Guerrero helps Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger to the ring for their match against John Cena and CM Punk. She excuses them and the WWE Universe! During the match, Vickie keeps excusing everyone and their mother, especially when her men won!
Backstage, Zack Ryder and Eve Torres are talking. Mick Foley walks up to them and wishes the WOO WOO WOO man luck. Eve says to Ryder to not go out there against Kane in the Falls Count Anywhere Match. Ryder tells her he has to. John Cena offers help, but is declined because Zack-static Zack Ryder wants his belt back. His music hits an the Zack Pack wait for their fearless leader.
During the match, Eve Torres makes her way out because Kane is being a bad monster. (Well a good monster, technically!) Eve cries everywhere like a silly when Ryder gets thrown through the stage. Kane stalks Eve thinking she is Trish Stratus or Lita. Cena comes out so Kane makes like a tree and leaves. (That’s for my BFFL, MARC!!! :P) Eve is crying seventy rivers throughout commercial break and when the TV goes back to RAW!
They load Ryder onto the stretcher and he gets a nap and a ride through the backstage area. As we see the stretcher being carted around, Beth Phoenix and the Bella Twins are spotted.
Meanwhile, Eve is so MAD and SAD! She tells Cena it is ALL HIS FAULT! She goes into the ambulance to go to the fake hospital.
If Eve wanted to make my day, she would have taken her SHOES off and thrown them at Kane, or better yet her ear ring. It bores me when the girls fake cry like blithering idiots! You know you would be mad that Kane is being bad because he has a HISTORY of being a freaky monster.
Naomi and Cameron calls Brodus Clay’s mother after dancing an hour.
Anyways, that is all for tonight. I wish Johnny Ace would get real future endeavored rather than FAKE future endeavored. :(
Welcome to Raw is Marcella! This will be extremely short. I am writing articles that will be in academic journals and I have to wake up for work at 4:30AM for this whole week. I’m going to be working 6:30AM to 6PM! SO YIKES! I don’t have the time, but I couldn’t let Raw not get ROYALIZED! So this coverage will be short and sweet, basically to the point! I hope it’s entertaining!
Congratulations to Edge being in WWE HALL OF FAME! Mil Máscaras is also in the Hall of Fame. They said so last year. I wonder if he will be the second name to be said (well restated).
Zack Ryder is on the phone with his dad and Eve Torres walks up so he acts tough. Ryder flirts with Eve and wants a date. She agrees. Her match against Beth Phoenix will be later. If she wins, she will get a title shot. She goes BYEBYE!
Naomi and Cameron Lynn dance out there with Brodus Clay who is some funky shit. Wonderful. I am scarred for life. Thank you WWE!
The Miz wants Epico and Primo to be his bodyguards. Rosa Mendes yells at him something fierce in Spanish. They run away.
Vickie Guerrero and Dolph Ziggler help Swagger to the ring or he will get lost. He is screaming like a weirdo. Swaggy and Vickie can’t be at ringside at Royal Rumble since Punkie won.
We come back from a sexy and hot break and see The Bella Twins arguing who is an A-List. One of them thinks she is the Stacy Keibler. Nice mention of a former diva turn socialite. Ricardo Rodriguez comes up to them and ask why in the blue hell they wanted him to come from Mexico to talk to them. They want to talk about Alberto Del Rio. Ricardo acts like snarky biatch and says they could have used the TELEPHONE! The Miz bothers everyone and tells Ricardo to call out R-truth or face a beating. Ricardo asks the Bellas to come to the ring with him and they are like “YEAH RIGHT”. They leave the Mexican Pinata to be smacked by R-Truth.
Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, Barry Windham and Tully Blanchard as The Four Horsemen will be inducted into the 2012 Hall of Fame. Um, not to sound angry or stupid, but Flair’s already in the HOF. It doesn’t matter that it is now The Four Horsemen. WHEN IS Mil Máscaras gonna be announced once again???!!!
Eve Torres comes out for her match. Beth does not come out, instead we get Kane’s music. Zack Ryder comes out to save Eve. They run away to the back and get to this ugly green car. Eve gets into the car and Ryder changes a flat tire for a year. Eve keeps making stupid scared noises.
We come back from a break to see that Vickie Guerrero has already helped Dolph Ziggler to the ring for his match against Cena. Bless. Vickie just screams a bit. Cena sees that Ryder is attacked by Kane. With Dolph on his back, Cena throws Dolphie around so he can go save Ryder. (By the way, Dolph had the dreaded sleeper on Cena). Kane spanks Cena and Ryder. No Eve to be seen. Also, Vickie tries to get Dolphy to the ring to avoid a count out. It doesn’t seem to help.
So then, we all lived happily ever after. The END!
We start off this new year with an irate Marcella since once again Cody Rhodes has lost. It’s someone’s FAULT! They better be future endeavored or maybe they have been.
Little Jimmy and R-Truth are so strange. I have no words for this.
The Bella Twins are backstage with The Miz. They are in the black ring gear that makes my dear brother– Marc– throw up. They are arguing about The Miz. The Miz silents them because they get cheeky with him. He asks them if they have seen R-Truth. They say no, but they seen Little Jimmy. He tells them he is HAPPY that Alberto is injured. He storms off leaving the Bella Twins thinking “how rude”.
In another backstage segment, Dolph Ziggler is standing on his head like a weirdo and then speaks with Josh Matthews. Vickie Guerrero is there fixing is flat hair. What riveting TV! This is sure to win a Royally presented OSD 2012 END OF YEAR AWARD! /sarcasm
Three seconds later, we see Eve Torres backstage with Zack Ryder. He is babbling about their match last week. He has it on loop. Eve tells him that that is weird. I agree with her. ZACK RYDER, THAT IS TOO WEIRD! Jack Swagger then disses Ryder and Ryder disses him back. Bless, Ryder didn’t understand Swagger’s joke diss. Eve had to educate him.
We get a wonderful diva tag match. The Bella Twins bounce out in their matching black disasters. Then, Kelly Kelly’s music hits as K2 and Eve Torres come out in attires that are the same shiny orange color. I like it when teams are color coded. It is very organized and orderly. K2 starts out with Brie Bella. Brie gets shoved into the corner and receives a stinkface and almost an Asstatic ala Brooke Tessmacher. I think K2 and Brooke are trying to be cheeky. Pun intended. However, Brie slams K2 by her hair. Nikki has been chanting like a banshee to get in. Brie tags in Nikki.
K2 counters a move from Nikki who is trashtalking bitching to high heavens. K2 makes a much needed tag to Eve. Eve clotheslines and then dropkicks Nikki. She hits several forearms and then does a booty pop. She goes to do her senton. However, she dropkicks Brie off of the apron because Brie moved away from her corner and shouted abuse at her. Nikki and Eve fight to the death and Nikki gets a kick from the second rope. It is spelling defeat for the Twins. Eve goes up top and hits a beautiful moonsault on Nikki.
However, Brie breaks up the pin. This causes K2 to go APECRAZY! She is going psycho to the referee. The referee caught K2 and admonishes which allows the Bella Twins to do their patent Twin Magic. They switch!! Thus, Brie rolls Nikki out and takes her place. Eve doesn’t notice and goes to grab “Nikki” (who is really Brie). Brie does some hooky weird pin by doing some sort of Maryse laying down on top of her opponent pin to pull off the victory!
The Bella Twins roll out and yell LOSERS to Eve and K2 for an hour. K2 runs to Eve to console and scream evils to the Bellas. We see a clip of the Bellas being naughty, which makes EVE and K2 so pissed. The Bellas continue to gloat and say and do bad things.
Vickie Guerrero helps Dolph to the ring and Dolph wins by count out! So he beats CM PUNK thanks to Laurinatitis being a moron! Vickie just screams and yells at the idiotic referee. The referee, according to Vickie, doesn’t know how to count or do anything right.
Mr. Chris Jericho returns and does nothing but pander to the crowd. He then walks to the back. I hope that girl from his promos comes out and slaps Mr. Johnny Ace Laurinaitis.
Okay…. Kane doesn’t wrestle but he wanted to somehow tries to BUM Zack Ryder by bringing him under the ring. As much as I like Kane, that, my friends, is weird. There’s some freaky stuff that goes on under that ring!!! For example, there’s hell’s fire and brimstone under there and also Hornswoggle’s house. Zack Ryder and John Cena try to act shocked and scared of the fire coming out of the hole that Kane crawled out of in the ring and tried to bum Zack in.
I think it’s safe to say I wasn’t amused by this first Raw of 2012.
I would like to take this time to wish ALL of our lovely visitors a happy new year and a wonderful start to 2012! I wish you ALL the best of luck in your future endeavors for this lovely new year!
Lots of love The Royals, Bellatrix Lestrange, Judge Judy and the rest of OSD
Helloooooooo everyone! It’s great to be here and giving you Raw coverage. I had a bad Christmas Holiday, but I am glad to be alive. Since I am so happy, I decided to be nice to the unfortunates and give some people awards!
First off, it saddens me to see that Eden Stiles decided to part ways with WWE. Even though she asked for it, I always find it horrible that someone is future endeavored.
With that being said, I announce the winner of the Future Endeavor Award……
It’s JOHNNY ACE Laurinaitis! He should be so happy to win a precious award. :)
Booker T better behave or I will give him the Future Endeavor Award!!! Poor Cody Rhodes loses which makes me sad.
Kelly Kelly is backstage with Big Show. She is showing him her and the divas Perez Hilton column. A referee tells Big Show that Laurinaitis needs him. Show doesn’t want to go. The ref says it is important. Show says it better be important. K2 goes OOOH YOU’RE IN TROUBLE! Show tells her thank you for the beauty tips and leaves. K2 giggles everywhere.
Swagger and Ziggler are arguing and Vickie comes up to them. She tells them the important thing is that someone in her stable will be in the WWE title match next week. Mark Henry EXCUSES THEM!
Eve Torres makes her way out for a mixed tag match. Her partner is Zack Ryder. It goes to commercial break. We come back to find them wrestling Tyson Kidd and Natalya. The men start out.
Kidd tags in Nattie and Eve comes in. Eve takes Nattie down. Eve booty pops and hits the standing moonsault for a two count. Nattie slams Eve’s face into the mat. Nattie kicks Eve and she goes for the Sharpshooter. Eve kicks Nattie off and almost out of the ring. Eve tags in Ryder.
The men wrestle a bit. Nattie breaks up a pin attempt by Ryder. Eve dropkicks Natalya into the ropes. They fist pumps. They hit the Broski boots on Kidd & Nattie. Ryder hits the Ruff Ryder on Kidd for the win. After the match, Eve and Ryder celebrate. They fist pump, hug, and play with the title.
Del Rio cries about his torn groin. The Bella Twins come out and argue about who gets to throw a party in Del Rio’s honor when he returns. Del Rio gets mad and tells them to GTFO.
Vickie helps Jack Swagger to the ring. She screams everywhere, especially when he loses to CM PUNK. Dolph Ziggler comes flying out. Vickie holds CM PUNK’s leg while Swagger distracts the ref. Bless, Johnny Ace tells Vickie and Swagger to GTFO. Oh no, he distracts Punkie and Dolphy pins Punkie for a title match.
Despite being majorly ill since my surgery, this brought a smile to my face today. Please enjoy the crazy antics of Tara (then known as Victoria) and Ivory.
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